Talk Show Trauma
by Fiora Kariakis-Mana
Summary: The Inu Tachi goes on various talk shows. Naturally, all hell breaks loose.
1. Isn't My Hair Pretty?

Talk Show Trauma! 

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Starring your favorite stars of your favorite anime! 

*Focus in on the outside of a large studio* 

"C'mon, you guys!" Kagome yells into a black car next to her. "NO!" two men yell back at her. Kagome glares in the car. "Get out now!" she yells again. Miroku and Sango walk up behind her and start laughing.

"NO!!" 

"YES!!" 

"NO!!!" 

"YES!!!"

"NO!!!!"

"NO!!!!" 

"YES!!!!! And that's…oh, God damn it!" 

Kagome reaches in and yanks out Inu-Yasha and Sesshomaru by their hair. Sesshomaru growls at her. "You have a lot of nerve, wench!" he yells. Kagome smiles evilly and yanks on his hair, causing him to screech like a cat that had just had their tail stepped on. Kagome begins to walk forward, her hands still tightly grasping their hair. 

"Why are we doing this again?" Inu-Yasha asks. "You two need to sort out your differences once and for all," she says simply. "Yeah, but why on the Dr. Phil show?" he asks. "At least you could've picked a show that the chairs aren't nailed to the stages. I mean, how violent are we gonna be, you took our swords?" Sesshomaru retorts. "True, but the point isn't to have the audience cheering for you like it's the WWF or something," she says. Inu-Yasha shook his head. "And to sort out my differences with my brother, I have to get told off by a talking cue ball?" Inu-Yasha asks. "Exactly," Kagome said with a nod. 

20 Minutes Later~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The audience claps a little as the Dr. Phil theme song plays. 

"Hello. For today's episode, we have two brothers who have come through time to sort out their differences," Dr. Phil says. He turns to the guys, whom Kagome is sitting in between. 

"Now, when did your brotherly 'war', really start? Sesshomaru?" he asks. Sesshomaru growls. "I don't have to answer any of your f***ing questions," he shoots back. "Sesshomaru, can we please watch the language, and maybe answer my question?" he asks. "Fine. It all started when my ass**** brother over here got the sword that I rightfully deserve," he says in an annoyed tone. 

Dr. Phil waves his finger at him. "Okay, now what did I tell you about the language?" he asked. Sesshomaru sighs. "Would you like me to talk like this?" he asked, adding a lisp to his voice. Dr. Phil shakes his head. "Anyway, tell me more about this sword," he says. "You mean the sword she confiscated?" Inu-Yasha asks, pointing to Kagome. Inu-Yasha turns to Sesshomaru. "And I hope you know, I'm talking about the sword that _I_ got, the sword that _I _can use," he says sarcastically. "Bite me," Sesshomaru retorts. "Sesshomaru. Sesshomaru, please, stop with the language," Dr. Phil says. "Can it, chrome dome," Sesshomaru says rudely. Kagome elbows him. He glares at her, but then looks back at Dr. Phil. "Now, Sesshomaru, this is not the time to call people names," he says. "Oh, your just jealous," Sesshomaru retorts. 

Dr. Phil looks strangely at him. "And what do think I'm jealous of, hmm? Your hatred for your brother?" he asks. Sesshomaru shakes his head. "Your just jealous of my hair," he says. "And what would make you think that?" Dr. Phil asks. "I have some," he replied simply. "We're not here to talk about who has hair and who doesn't," he says. 

Sesshomaru nods. "See, you're jealous," he says. 

"No, I'm not." 

"Oh, yes you are."

"No, I'm not." 

"Yeah you are." 

"No, I'm not." 

"Yes you are." 

"Prove it." 

Inu-Yasha and Kagome, who have been sitting in their chairs silent for practically the whole time, are laughing so hard they look as though they are going to wet themselves. 

An evil grin crosses Sesshomaru's face. He puts his arm under his air and begins throwing it around. "It's so pretty! Isn't my hair just beautiful, Phil?" he asks sarcastically. "Now, you're going to need to stop that," Dr. Phil says. "Jaken, get me another arm," Sesshomaru demands. Jaken walks into the audience and rips off the arm of a random viewer and bringing it over to him. 

He takes the arm from Jaken. "Thank you. A little bloody, but it'll do," he says, sticking the arm onto his…ah…nub. Once the arm is secure, he starts up with the hair thing again, but with both arms. 

"Oh, Phil! Don't you just love my long, flowing, beautiful, smooth hair?" he asks sarcastically. 

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Dr. Phil shoots up out of his seat, a vein popping out of his head. "THAT IS IT! I THOUGHT I COULD HELP YOU, BUT I WAS SADLY F***ING MISTAKEN! GOD HELP ME OR I WILL RIP EVERY ONE OF THOSE GOD DAMN HAIRS A YOURS OFF YOU'RE F***ING HEAD!!!!" he yells. 

Sesshomaru just looks up at him, a fake look of innocence on his face. "Wow." 

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Stay tuned for next week's episode. 

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Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!


	2. Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Talk Show Trauma! 

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Starring your favorite stars of your favorite anime! 

**__**

Inu-Yasha walks quickly, his hand wrapped tightly around Kagome's wrist, dragging her towards a large studio building. "I don't want to do this, Inu-Yasha," she says angrily. "Well, then it sucks to be you," he replies. "Please, Inu-Yasha. This is degrading, wrong, and not too mention embarrassing," she says. "You _are_ going on the Jerry Springer show, and that's that!" he yells, "Now hurry, I'm meeting someone here." "Who are you meeting?" Kagome asks. "Kykio!" he calls, greeting another woman. Kagome glares. "Please, not her!" 

15 Minutes Later ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Kagome and Kykio are both sitting in chairs, onstage of course, giving each other the death stare. Jerry walks out with a cue card in hand and stands beside the three. "So, Kagome. You're Kykio's reincarnation, am I correct?" he asks. Kagome nods a little. "And Inu-Yasha was in love with you, Kykio?" he asks. Kykio nods a little. "Okay, and now you're in love with the two of them, Inu-Yasha?" he asks again. Inu-Yasha nods. Jerry stares for a moment. 

"Umm…let's go to the audience, shall we?" A black woman stands up with a microphone in her hand. "Now girls, I think da two a yins betta just dump dat two-timin' son of a bitch and find yoselves some betta men," she says. Kykio nods. "I agree with you halfway, cause I think its hussy girl over here that needs to split cause it obvious he wants me," she says. Kagome walks over and pokes Kykio in the chest. 

"Tell me you did not just say that!" she yells angrily. "I'm sorry, Kagome. I believe I just did," Kykio says, standing up angrily. This caused the crowd to cheer. "Spare me, Kykio," Kagome says. She walks around and removes the tie from her shirt. "It's obvious that he wants me, being that _my_ body isn't made of mud," she says, now unbuttoning a few buttons on her shirt. Kykio strutted around a bit. "Well, at least I have experience in the field _he's _interested in," she says, taking her hair bind out. Kagome glares at her. "F*** you!" she yells angrily. 

Inu-Yasha, still sitting on his chair, grins and mouths the words 'Thank you'. Koga, who is sitting in the audience, does the same. 

"Please, Kagome. You've seen us. Together. Who do you think he wants?" Kykio asks sarcastically. Kagome tightens her hands into fists and starts swinging and Kykio. Kykio quickly evades her attacks and laughs right in her face. "And it's not just me he wants," she starts, undoing her miko shirt and throws it to the audience. 

Pointing to her scantily clad chest she starts yelling. "Future girl, it's these he wants! He just wants to see the twins!" she yells. "Oh, please," Kagome says, taking off her own shirt, "It's real flesh he wants. And especially not someone who's whoring herself off to Naraku." Kagome still glaring at her drops her skirt. The crowd of course, is going wild, especially Koga. 

"Really, well, how do you think he'll like this?" Kykio asks sarcastically, dropping her skirt. "Aren't you a little late with that?" Kagome asked, pointing to her own lace covered behind. "Did I say I was done yet?" Kykio asked. Kagome shook her head a little. "That's correct. And here's the grand finale," she says. Kykio began to wave her behind right in Inu-Yasha's face. 

Inu-Yasha started to laugh evilly. "MMMmmmm……lace," he says in a Homer Simpson-like tone. Kykio stops, and moves to the edge of the stage. Once again, the crowd goes wild. 

Inu-Yasha runs to the center of the stage and picks of Kagome and Kykio's clothing and holds them up in the air. "There is a God!" he cheers happily, "There is a God!" Kykio walks over and puts her arms around his neck. "Now, maybe we should go get a room," she suggests. Kagome looks over at the angrily. 

Koga, who is sitting in the audience, looks back and forth between Inu-Yasha and Kykio, and the barely clothed Kagome. He stands up and rushes the stage, grabbing Kagome and running off. "Inu-Yasha! Help me!!!!!!" she screams. Inu-Yasha panics and pushes Kykio out of the way. "Don't worry, Kagome! I'm coming!" he yells after her. 

Kykio glares after the two. "F*** you, Inu-Yasha! F*** you! Go to f***ing hell! God damn it! He always picks that f***ing gutter slut! That two-timing ass****! This is bull****! You and you skank can rot in hell!" she yells angrily. "Show 'em!" a random member of the audience yells. "F*** you!" 

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Stay tuned for the next episode!

Today, on The View!


	3. Never Mess With Barbara Walters

Talk Show Trauma! 

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Starring your favorite stars of your favorite anime! 

**__**

The theme song for The View plays and the three regular hosts walk in. "Good morning," Barbara Walters starts as they all sit down, "Today we have a very special guest host, who comes all the way from Feudal Japan to be with us. Come on out, Miroku." 

Miroku walks out just as she says to, his staff clinking all the way. He sits down in the empty chair and slouches. Barbara picks up her mug of coffee and took a sip. "So, how is everyone today?" she asks. "Good," the other two women reply. "Terrible," Miroku groans. "What seems to be troubling you?" Barbara asks. "Hmmm…maybe this," he says sarcastically, pointing to a red slap mark on his face. "Damn, boy," the black woman at the end of the table said. "Yeah, how'd you come across that?" the other one asked. "Sango hit me. I don't know why, either. I mean, I was just feeling her up," he said. The three women glare at him. "Damn, boy," the black woman said. They sit in an awkward silence for a few minutes. "Ah…okay, on to our first topic," Barbara stated, "Teens and sex." The woman with brown hair nods. "Mmhmm. My daughter just turned sixteen and I'm worried about her having sex," she said. "Yes," Barbara starts, "Kids are having sex at younger and younger ages." "Oh, please," Miroku scoffs. They all glare at him. "Ladies, I am nineteen, [Who the hell am I to really know?] And I am proud of the fact that I have probably go it on more times then all of you have in your lifetimes put together," he states. 

Once again, they all glare at him. Miroku stares at the floor, the walls, and the glaring female audience, really anything so he doesn't have to make eye contact with them. "Ah…I know this might not be the _best_ time to ask this, but to all you ladies watching this, will you bear my children?" he asks. "Damn, boy!" the black woman yells at him. "Oh no he didn't!" the other yells, and finally, they come to Barbara. "I think I'm beginning to understand _why_ exactly you have that huge slap mark on the side of your face," she said evilly. The entire audience begins booing him. "You are a womanizing, chauvinistic, sexually frustrated man, Miroku," Barbara says. "Say what?" he asks. "You heard me," Barbara replies. "Mmmmhmmm," the woman with brown hair says. "Oh, can it you flannel-wearing, truck-driving, shotgun-shooting Maryland diesel dykes!" he yells. Barbara turned to the woman with brown hair. "Did he just say what I think he said?" she asks. "Mmmmmmmhmm," the woman with brown hair says with a nod. "Damn, boy," the black woman says. Miroku looks around and sees every woman in the audience giving him the death stare. Hell, he could feel women across America giving him the death stare through their TVs! He slowly stands up, ready to defend himself. 

"RUSH THE STAGE!!!!!!" a woman in the audience yells. The first to charge him are Barbara Walters, the black chick, and the brunette. He smacks Barbara upside the head with his staff, easily knocking her out, and does the same to the other two. "Okay, now it's just the army of mutant lesbians," he thought. He opens his wind tunnel, but they are not sucked in. "What the hell…?" he asks, staring at his hand. They keep coming at him. "Dude…………I am soooooooooooooooooooooo screwed." 

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Stay tuned for the next episode!

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It's Stupid Pet Tricks on Late Night with David Letterman!


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